I haven’t believed in the Serenity prayer for as long as I can remember. Oh, it was fine for others, those who weren’t as stubborn as me.
I have always believed that if I tried hard enough, long enough, persevered through the hard times, I could accomplish whatever I wanted to. After all, that is what my folks taught me. It had been true for me too. I got good grades in school. I trained at the Olympic training center in Colorado Springs, I married an amazing man, raised four wonderful children, helped Nick gain skills that far exceeding the doctor’s expectations, ran a successful tax practice, volunteered to create family history events around the world, wrote books, learned to play the guitar, managed Nick’s seizure disorder.
Well, I thought I was managing Nick’s seizure disorder. Our pediatric neurologist told us 43 years ago that epilepsy was a progressive disease. He told us with the first diagnosis that the seizures became “habit-forming” in the brain. He was right. And now after all these years, I feel a bit like Don Quixote tilting at windmills. I thought that we were winning.
Oh don’t get me wrong, we have had amazing experiences with Nick. We have met so many incredible people. He has had many days, weeks, and months seizure-free. Or at least it looked like he was seizure-free. He has invisible ‘subclinical’ seizures and we have counted the days that we don’t see anything as seizure-free. We could still go and do whatever we decided to do.
These days we are ever watchful and always questioning what has happened. Did he stumble or was that a seizure? If it was a seizure, do we start the rescue medicine protocol now or wait a few more minutes and see what develops? What if we are wrong? What if we are right? Do we cancel our plans for today? For tomorrow? Where is the nearest hospital? What is the best thing to do?
Yesterday, Nick was on the floor after having a drop seizure. He was okay. Arden and I got him up to his feet and a small miracle happened. The seizure was a single event. No cluster. This new medicine might actually be working. Nick told us that he was all better. It took Arden and I a little while longer to be all better. We all sat on the couch, relaxing, having some food and napping for the rest of the afternoon and evening. We didn’t get anything else done for the day. But by the end of it, all three of us were all better.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I understand this now. I pray this now. I believe it now.
I learn so much when I hear the stories of others. You might have experienced just the thing that I need to hear. Please reach out and comment.
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